What If?

Two small words, "what"and "if," on their own they are insignificant and small but put together the meaning is unmeasurable, without boundaries, endless possibilities. Over the past 75 days I have found myself searching my mind, my faith, my heart and my beliefs about our physical bodies, medical doctors, family and God. The words "what if" at the beginning of so many thoughts that at times seem to stop me in my tracks and the weight of "what if" is too much to bare. What if she didn't get cancer, what if chemotherapy worked, what if she went into remission, what if we could go back to our life before cancer, what if the doctors didn't know what to do, what if they found a cure, what if she goes to meet the Lord, what if my heart actually breaks open from the sadness, what if she dies?......Stanford University Cancer Center is a busy place. You can at any given Monday through Friday find medical students draped in lab coats not much older then Doogie Houser all walking around going somewhere, discussing something, learning something and planning the course of treatment with their Resident, Fellow and nursing staff. These teams rotate in and out every 2 weeks like clockwork. The beds in the oncology ground floor are coveted for occupancy from around the world. My S.A.M. (self adopted mom) felt lucky to be able to seek treatment at this highly sought after place. After 75 days as a live in guest on ground floor and numerous rounds of failed chemotherapy she is being sent home to die. "You have maybe 2 weeks". The words not quite penetrating my brain cells, just echos of sound bouncing around my head. How can this be? How did we get here? Why is this happening? She was perfectly healthy her entire 62 years of life. How do you make 2 weeks last a lifetime? "What if this is the end," the words we didn't want to think about, the words we pushed out of our minds is staring straight at us in the face. I want to push the rewind button to when it didn't seem like she was sick, when I could ask her questions and she would have hours for an answer. This beautiful Christian wife and mother will go to meet our Lord and Savior in as little as 2 weeks. She has known Him her whole life. His love has been poured out through her to all that she has loved and touched, He will say,"welcome home, my good and faithful servant." And while I should find joy in this fact I can't get past the hollow void of what's to come....the absence of her. I have 2 weeks to memorize her face, her hands, her voice, her touch, her beautiful eyes and place them in my heart and seal them there for what will seem like eternity until we meet again. I don't want to say goodbye.